This article is part of a progression
We discussed the uneven treatment that sexual and purity education is given within the church last week. In summary: most of the blame for sexuality is put on women; they’re told how to dress[note]more accurately, how to not dress[/note] in order to not tempt the boys; but it’s ignored that the boys may be inadvertently tempting the girls as well.
Today we’re going to discuss the unreal expectation that the church places on hormonal teenagers: wait until marriage (henceforth WUM). Today we are not discussing whether or not the Bible states one should WUM (that’s for next week). Instead, we’re going to look at the repercussions this mindset has, and how it’s nearly impossible to expect anyone, least of all hormonal teenagers, to commit to it.
Let’s begin with the latter part of that sentence. How many “kids” movies do you watch as an adult and find yourself gasping, saying, “they made that joke?” My guess is you can’t think of one children’s movie that doesn’t make you think that way. Society is subtly inundating us with sexuality. Jokes abound in children’s movies that fly over their heads, yes, but do still place an element of sexuality in them that may not have been there previously. There’s an old adage: sex sells. And it’s true. Products that have no sexuality in and of themselves are sold with sex. Products that would normally be deemed “private” are sold with sex. While we’re telling our children to wait, we’re constantly bombarding them with sex. sex. sex. sex. sex.
And the church isn’t any better. Subtle sexual jokes abound in the youth group atmosphere (sometimes from youth pastors). It’s a byproduct of our society. And if we don’t play music that’s explicitly labeled “Christian” at all of our events((some groups do, others don’t)) we’re left having a church event with songs like YEAH by Usher , telling our students, “we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed to say”. And the next song may be GOD OF WONDERS.[note]I kid you not, I was at an event where this happened[/note] So we’re telling our students to wait, but playing them music that explicitly talks about and promotes not waiting. We’re setting them up for failure, even within the church.
Not only is expecting one to WUM setting them up for failure, it’s incredibly dangerous to not only psyche but their body as well. (This next section will focus primarily on women, because, as we saw previously, much of the blame and guilt is laid on them and not as much on men.)
Have you heard of Vaginismus?[note]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus[/note] Sounds pretty scary, right? Well, it’s a condition where a woman feels great pain upon penetration. Sometimes it’s as severe as being unable to use a tampon. Other times it occurs only when someone is attempting to copulate. A muscle in her vagina spasms, causing great pain at any attempt to insert anything. What’s one cause of this disorder? Strict conservative values.[note]http://www.jsm.jsexmed.org/article/S1743-6095(15)33223-9/abstract[/note] That means that expecting women to WUM can literally make sex more painful (and potentially impossible) for them.
Not only can WUM “break your vagina” as one author puts it, but we’re seeing more and more women coming forward saying that they waited and they regret it. In these stories, we see a common thread: women feeling shame about sex. They’re taught their whole lives to hide their body and their sexuality. They internalize the guilt that is associated with sexual activities. And once they are “allowed” to have sex, they can’t just let it go. Shame and guilt don’t just disappear when something is suddenly allowed. These women end up resenting their husbands, as well as the church that made them feel this way.
But this isn’t even just women. I’ve found that it happens more with Christian gay men who were taught their entire lives that sex between men is disgusting. They end up having sex with another man (even after they may decide homosexuality is not a sin) but are still filled with shame and guilt. When you’re taught throughout your entire life that something is shameful and dirty it takes a lot of work to change your feelings about that. This shame ruins relationships. It pushes people apart. It does so even in marriages where they couples waited.
IF the Bible says to WUM (again, we’ll discuss that next week) we must remember one thing: they got married a lot earlier in those days. Today we aren’t getting married until our twenties (and even before 25 people think you’re too young to get married). That’s ten extra years of hormones, sexual curiosity, sexual frustration, and sexual inundation that we’re expecting our youth to endure before they can do it without feeling guilty.[note]Which isn’t even the case[/note] That’s torture.
Beyond the issues of WUM being set up to fail, and causing physical and emotional distress in individuals, there are other issues that having sex before marriage can help solve. What if one partner hasn’t discovered their sexual identity yet? Men who are taught that being straight is “the only way” and have never experimented with either a man or women can find themselves unable to perform in the bedroom. This leaves the girl (especially one who has waited) to feel inadequate and ugly. More shame, on top of the shame she feels for finally trying to have sex. Allowing people to explore their sexuality before they settle down can prevent divorce due to one partner actually being a homosexual.[note]Yes, it does happen[/note]
Or, what if you’re allergic to your partner’s semen?
Or what if you just want different things in bed? Some people are more passive. Some are more aggressive. Being able to determine this before committing to each other for life is vital to not only a happy sex life, but a happy life together in general.
Or, what if the male is just too big. Is his partner expected to just suffer through the pain? Is he expected to not engage in sexual activity with his partner? That’s not fair to either one.
Also, physical intimacy can help build emotional intimacy as well.
Now, proponents of WUM will argue that these issues can be resolved by talking about them. “Discuss your sexual desires with your future partner,” the pro-WUM websites state. “Be open and vulgar.” But I have one question: how is one expected to know their sexual desires if they have never tried them? You may THINK you like one thing, but then try it and realize it’s not for you. Talking isn’t enough. We learn that we like or don’t like a food by talking about it; we learn by eating it. The same goes for sexuality. We don’t learn what feels good for us until we try it. There’s no way around that.
Expecting one to wait until marriage can damage their body as well as their psyche. Expecting someone to do something that harms them in any way, or makes them feel guilty and shameful, is contra-Biblical and should not be expected by any Christian group or organization (especially when they set the individuals up for failure).
*CAVEAT* if one chooses to WUM because they want to and not because they feel like they have to, that’s an entirely different story.
