S.E.X.

Nothing grabs people’s attention more than those three letters. What is it about three little letters that can give such a wide range of reactions. Some see the word and cringe, “We can’t talk about that!” they cry. Others embrace it in all its forms. Sex is something that is both shunned and praised within our society, and that leaves little doubt as to why there is so much sexual and emotional confusion and despair (especially within the Christian community.) That’s what Bell plans to tackle with Sex God.

Bell has a habit of writing controversial books, some more than others. When it comes to Sex God I find that the title is the most controversial part. “Sex God” what does that mean? Bell probably named his book as such to grab one’s attention. To get your asking, “What is he meaning by that?” What he means would be better served if he had added a comma. “Sex, God” explains the thrust of the book. The book does not have much to do with sex in and of itself. It deals much more with the concept of sex and what we’ve made it out to be (both good and bad).

The first thing Bell does is make sure to address that when we’re talking about sex/relationships we’re actually talking about something else. “This is always about that” as he puts it. And that’s where the title Sex God comes in. Talking about sex and relationships is always talking about God and our relationship with Him. We don’t have sex simply because it feels good, we do it because it helps fill a void. There’s no doubt that the world is broken, hurting, messed up. Sex is (supposed to be) a momentary glimpse of a world devoid of hurting; a moment where you can be, and not worry about anything.

What does that sound like? A glimpse into the future. The new world where death and pain and hurting will be no more and everything will be returned to a perfect relationship with God as it was intended. Sex is our glimpse of that on earth. But we’ve done so many terrible things to it. We’ve given it a negative stigma, not allowing people to talk about it. Or we’ve turned it into a free-for-all making whatever we want to do sexually okay.

Bell puts these two views on opposite sides of the spectrum and gives them names. You can be an Animal or an Angel he says. Animals have nothing but instincts. They act on their desires whenever they feel like it (which is basically whenever they can. I’m sure you’ve all experienced a dog on your leg before). The human counterpart is those who have a very liberal view of sex, allowing anything at any time without restrictions. The opposite side is that of Angels. They are nonsexual beings. They do not need or desire to have sexual relations, it’s just not part of their creation. When humans take this view they make sex taboo. It’s not to be talked about. It’s to be done in the bedroom, behind closed doors (and usually solely for procreation) and then never to be thought about again.

The problem with both of these is that we’re not animals or angels. We’re in between. We do have sexual desires like animals and unlike angels, but we also are able to control and have sex when it’s appropriate, unlike animals. “What’s the danger with treating sex on the angel’s side?” you might be asking. Certainly, it’s better to be extra cautious, right?  Unfortunately, not talking about it has a terrible effect. When people are taught to treat sex like angels, they end up turning into animals. But not normal animals that are open about it. They turn into secret animals. They engage in sexual things as much as possible but hide it. Because, to them, it’s still wrong. But they don’t know what else to do. They don’t have anyone to talk to about their desires and feelings without fear of being punished. They’re left to navigate a world of hormones, passion, and heartbreak on their own without help.

When parents or church leaders don’t talk to their kids about sex, the only place they are left with two places to learn about it- friends, and personal experience. Neither one offers the best advice. They don’t have anyone they can trust to go to about the things they’re dealing with. It ultimately leads them into depression and shame because they can’t shake the feelings they’re having, but their told (often without a word) that these feelings are wrong and should be ignored. But they can’t. So they act on them. And then they feel even worse, and more isolate because they still can’t bring it up. This is especially prevalent for Christian teens who self-identity as homosexual, where their desires are seen as the singular enemy of Christianity. (And yes, I write this section from personal experience).

So what’s the middle ground? Bring sex out of the bedroom. Allow it to be discussed, talked about, addressed. Allow those who have sexual feelings (which is nearly everyone) to be open and honest about them so they don’t have to hide them. Secrets normally lead to devastation. That’s not good.

Bell continues, though, discussing other issues with sex. One of my favorite quotes from any movie comes from The Perks of Being A Wallflower. At one point the character states, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Bell touches on this idea. All too often people go from relationship to relationship, thinking that they’re going to finally find “the one.” But they all come to the same terrible end. It’s partially due to the other person. And, as much as it sounds bad to put the blame on the person hurting, it ultimately comes down to them. They go into these relationships because they think they are the only love they can find.

But let’s get real here for a second. Christ died for everyone’s sins. That means we are all worth dying for. We need to learn that about ourselves first (we’re worthwhile, we’re worth fighting for, we’re special, we’re a prize, etc.). Once we do that, we’ll begin to look for that in our partner. No longer will we accept love just because we can get it. We’ll know what type of love we deserve (that which is willing to die for us) and we’ll look for that. Our relationships will be richer because not only will we put our all in, but we’ll wait for someone else who is willing to do the same because we recognize that we’re both worth dying for and we’re willing to commit to that not only for ourselves but for the other person. So, before you jump into your next relationship, as yourself if you can see them putting all in, putting it all on the line because they think you’re worth dying for. If the answer’s no, then move on, you deserve a higher level of love than that; we all do.

The last topic addressed is a rather heated one. It’s the idea of marriage or celibacy. Especially within Christian America, we’ve made marriage out to be the end goal of life. “Ring By Spring” and “She’s working on her MRS degree” staple comments about all Christian colleges. There’s this underlying attitude that if you’re single you’re less than complete. But that’s not what the Bible teaches.

The Bible essentially has a, “whatever works for you” attitude about whether or not you should get married. Paul says it’s better to be single as he is, but Christ says whatever you choose to do. There are benefits to both. Being single allows you to focus more on fulfilling God’s desires without being devoted to another as well. Being married allows you to take part in that glimpse of the future, and not “burn with passion” as Paul puts it. (Bell is very eloquent about that point, “It’s never good to burn.”)

Those who don’t marry can have a closer relationship with God where there marriage needs and desires (for intimacy) are met through Him rather than a significant other. But that’s not for everyone. It’s clearly a choice whether or not you feel you can live without a spouse, and we need to allow people to make that choice. But we can’t make them feel less for whichever they prefer. We can’t judge single ladies in their thirties for never finding a partner. However, we also can’t congratulate them for being married to God instead (perhaps they want a partner just haven’t found one yet). When we say things to single people like, “You’re dating Jesus so you’re good.” It can hurt those who desire to be married but are having a hard time finding someone, and in the mean time struggle with loneliness and emptiness. And we can’t try to make them feel guilty for not allowing God to be enough for them. Even God said it’s not good for man to be alone, and we need to allow people to relate to God (and us) in a way that works for, not what works for us. (See here.)

We also, though, can’t chastise those who do choose to get married for being less spiritual because they needed to be married. Without them, we wouldn’t have any future people. But they can still love and serve God when married, and in a different capacity than those who aren’t married. It takes married couples and non-married couples to serve God here on earth. We need to celebrate for both but recognize and celebrate them on their own level. Celebrate those who are married who want to be married and those who are single and want to be single. But help those who are single and want to be married find that, and be content with themselves in the meantime. And also help those who are married and may want to be single again deal with it and come to terms with their commitment and honor it.

Ultimately, though, the world is full of heartache. There will be troubles. We will get hurt. Sex will happen when it’s not supposed to. But God can heal and fix anyone. He can restore any broken heart. Sex is a glimpse of what’s to come- a beautiful world where pain and tears are no more. Let’s celebrate that attribute of sex. Let’s remove it from the bedroom, but keep it in its proper place, and recognize its beauty for what it is.

This is a wonderful book for everyone. I would say it’s designed for those struggling with issues of sexuality (whether it’s good or bad) and singleness, but it would do wonders for those surrounding these people to be able to encourage and support them on their sexual journey through life.