October is queer history month. While we’ve made a lot of progress, there are still many things we need to work on. Our community is stained with racism, toxic masculinity, bi and transphobia, among plenty of others. There are efforts being made to address these issues, but they will take time.
In honor of our history and continued growth as a community, I wanted to take a moment to reassess some of my previous think pieces on queerness. There are three articles in particular that I need to revisit-
Why We Need to Stop Coming Out
The Myth of the Gay Christian
Homo-Positivity vs. Homo-Centricity
In these articles, I posited varying ideas of what I understood my queer identity to be at the time. And while I now see these understandings as belonging to me, I presented them as true for everyone. My articles were overreaching and did not consider others’ experiences, specifically those who had been there before me.
Many people told me at the time that my articles were harmful to them and not representative of the community at large. But I was young, a gayby.((Baby gay)) Obviously I did not want to listen to them. I thought my ideas were new, fresh, and all that mattered. But in the three years since those were written, I’ve learned a lot about myself and the queer community. And I have to say that I can no longer support the ideas I presented in the three articles above. Especially not to all people at all times.
While I still believe that society needs to get back to a place of sexualnormativity, where all sexuality is viewed as equal and nothing is considered the “default”, I recognize that each person’s coming out experience and story is unique and personal to them. Who am I to state whether or not someone should have a big coming out experience, or just start to tell people slowly. Just because I simply stopped hiding it doesn’t mean that is right or works for everyone. And that’s okay.
Along with that, my opinion that our queerness is not the most interesting thing about us, or is even equivalent to our interest in movies or music, is simply wrong. Our entertainment preferences are not our identity. But honestly, our queerness is. I equated our queerness to something we put before our identity as a Christian and called that a bad thing. But honestly, it’s not.
My identity as a queer Christian has completely changed and remolded my faith and relationship with not only God but others as well. And I’m not alone in this. 55% of people say it influences their identity, with a generous 86% saying it has a medium or large influence on their identity, and only 14% saying it had very little influence on their overall identity.((Poll taken in a queer Christian Facebook group with 67 responses))
And to speak only for myself, I went from saying “my queerness is not the most important aspect of my identity” to having pride glasses, two pride tattoos, and the pride watch face on my watch. I even considered picking up a pride Christmas tree but it was just too much for my small apartment.((I already have like 4 Christmas trees. If I had more room it would be in my car right now)) Needless to say, I’ve allowed my queerness to become a core aspect of my identity.
And why shouldn’t it?
It has shown me what it feels like to be judged upfront by not only individuals but the church.
It has shown me what it feels like to be cast aside.
It has shown me what it feels like to be considered unworthy or unlovable.
But it has also shown me how to recover from that.
It has shown me what it means to have family not bound by blood.
It has shown me how to relate to and empathize with others who experience those same injustices, even for different reasons.
It has shown me what it means to be authentically me, and allow others room to be authentically themselves.
My queerness has shaped how I see the world and how I treat others. It has given me empathy for others, and a true desire for all people to be loved and adored, simply for being.
While yes, there is more to me than my sexuality, quite a bit more, my queerness is a major factor of who I am, and there’s nothing wrong with that. What was wrong was me trying to tell others to downplay that in the past, and I apologize. For some, their queerness doesn’t seem to be a major part of their identity. And that’s okay. For myself and many others, our queerness has shaped our identity. I’ve learned to embrace this, as others have before me.
There’s no one way to be queer. During my queer journey, I had tried to tell people how to be queer, and that was wrong of me. Through time, friends, and personal reflection, I’ve learned I was in the wrong. But that’s the beauty of life. Growing, moving forward, and recognizing and admitting our mistakes in the past.
